My Job: A Rant #2

I tend to meet some of the most interesting people over the phone when they call in for tech support. One of the first memorable calls I took was from a few months back when a lady admitted to me that she thought she got a virus on her machine from surfing too many porn sites. Before letting me speak she continued on to tell me how she was newly divorced with no prospects and when she gets lonely and horny, in her own words, “Sometimes you just gotta, you know, HEEWWWW!”. That is the closest thing I can get to putting into words the sound she made. It was as if a wild badger was going to come through the phone and mount me.

The next memorable calls I received have already been written about, see My Job: A Rant and To the Woman That Told Me to Go Fuck Myself Today.

Just a few minutes ago I finished a 32 minute conversation with a man that was obviously:

A. Self employed and worked from home.

B. Between Jobs or just unemployable.

C. Can get away with some major shit at work.

I’m really pulling for A or B, because the thought of C is just too scary.

I say this because at first I thought this man was mumbling for a reason. I have had at least 3 customers that are older and on oxygen masks, and everything they say sounds muffled or like they are talking into an empty metal coffee can. The first 5 minutes I managed to make out the words IBM, bad, partition, and Screen. That was it. After the asshole stopped holding the phone with his chin and neck, I also managed to make out this, which I will try to type the way it sounded. “HHHWhen I doosh the repair insta. Nothing. Goesh back to IBM loga”.

And by this point I appropriately responded with a “Huh?” Which is my very nice and well mannered way of going “WTF!?”

He then told me “Sorry, I’m think I hab a bit toooo Mush at Lumch.”

So I am now dealing with a drunk. A drunk that needs tech support for his computer. Someone that probably couldn’t explain what was going on with his machine even if he was sober, but now I have to decipher this guys problem while using a Jack Daniels sound filter.

What proceeded, and I don’t have enough time to write it all since I should be doing class work and not spilling my verbal seed onto this page, was the drunken nerds equivalent of “Who’s on First.”

Me: What is wrong with your Machine sir, could you describe your problem?

Him: The firsh partshun ish Bahd.

Me: So you have a drive with two partitions?

Him: Hmmm Yep. Second Partshun.

Me: Are you able to access that one?

Him: Firt?

Me: No. Second.

Him: I doosh the repair insta. It jush reboots at the IBM loga. Sesh winda ish loading, and then reboots back to IBM loga.”

Me: Sir it sounds like you have hardware failure, either your motherboard is bad or the hardrive.

Him: I doosh the repair insta. It jush reboots at the IBM loga. Sesh winda ish loading, and then reboots back to IBM loga.”

Me: Right, either your motherboard is bad or the hardrive.

Him: I don want, I don want to loosh my filz.

Me: Are all your files you want to save stored in the My Documents folder?

Him: Yep.

Me: Well sir when you do a repair install, I know it sounds counter intuitive, leave it up to Microsoft, but the My Documents folder is often damaged or completely deleted anyway in a repair, so there is a good chance that even if the repair had worked, you would have lost your files.

Him: I doosh the repair insta. It jush reboots at the IBM loga. Sesh winda ish loading, and then reboots back to IBM loga.”

Me: Right sir, either you motherboard is bad or the hardrive.

This went on for about 10 minutes.

He then started talking about his monitor and how the drivers won’t work and that it only has a 640-480 resolution. Ok. Nice transition you drunk fuck. I really couldn’t help him fix this problem since he doesn’t have a working machine. I eventually got him to agree with me that once he has a hands-on tech fix his pc, he can take care of this problem with a simple download from Compaq, the maker of his monitor.

I just can’t help imagining him sobering up in the next few hours and thinking his computer wont run because of a monitor driver problem.

To the Woman that Told Me to Go Fuck Myself Today

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I took your call around 3:30 central time. I helped to cancel your account with us that you admittedly signed up for, and then I asked you if I could help you with anything else. You proceeded to inform me that there had better not be any charges on your phone bill for our service, despite the fact that you let the 10 day free period fly by over a month ago. Then you felt the need to be all lady like and lapse into language that is normally reserved for bar room situations or just laughing it up with your friends. Indeed, I am not your friend or would ever talk to you in a bar, so per our company policy I promptly hung up on you.

You proceeded to call back, and as your luck would have it, my insanely manly voice and top flight demeanor greeted you once again. For some reason this seemed to anger you even more, and after uttering what sounded like “Oh great, I think you are the one that just hung up on me…”, I readily informed you that I hung up on you because you were using foul language while talking to me and our company policy is that I do not have to listen to your potty mouth. You mumbled some more incoherent language, and at the tail end of your sentence I heard the words “you can go fuck yourself.”

I really must thank you for this. It is like a beacon of light exploded around me showing an option in life that I, being of the male sex, had forgotten about. Yes! Yes indeed! I could go fuck myself! How in the world did that manage to slip my mind after all the years I spent as a teen doing just what you suggested? It is like a whole new chapter in my life has opened up, the pages just waiting for me to get them to stick together. Thank you so much Client ID 500955. Thank You. Really.

- AA

“C**T”: A Definition Revealed

*Again, my work, but repost. About 4 weeks old.

Two weeks ago I finally found out what the definition of a “c**t” was. I normally never, ever use that disgusting word but let me warn you now, this is the last time in this post that I am going to edit the word out…so if you don’t want to see it in print I suggest you go to another post. Hopefully this is the last time I will have to ever use it. I highly doubt it.

You see, I watched a woman publicly destroy her husband on national television for money. Through a series of questions while hooked up to a lie detector, she freely admitted to the following:

A. Not loving her husband when they got married
B. Still loving her ex on their wedding day
C. Taking her wedding ring off to appear single
D. Extramarital affairs
E. She would leave her husband for her ex.

all these and others she answered for MONEY……..until………………………

She could not answer this simple question truthfully: Do you think you are a good person?

AND SHE FUCKING SAID YES! Needless to say, the machine came back false, she then lost all the money after destroying this human being she called a husband.

Now, I know what you are thinking, I am calling this woman a cunt…

NOPE. WRONGO! She is just a money loving tramp.

While she was taking her time, trying to apparently WILL herself to believe that she really is a good person, her father can be heard in the background saying “She is. She is a good person. She is.” along with her mother being shown nodding her head yes.

Cunts! Cunts! Cunts!

This is the exact reason why this little whore still has enough fucking nerve to try and say she is a good person, because her parents are disillusioned enough to look the other way while their daughter freely admits on T.V. to being a filthy skank. I wanna know the shit she got away with while growing up!

Websters is going to have to come out with a special addition, and I know just the family picture to put next the the entry “Cunt”.

On Britney’s Beaver…

*Posted this in an old blog on an social site. Wanted to repost it because I think it is right up there with the works of Hemingway and Hefner.

It’s official: Britney Spears vagina has swallowed her and everyone else’s sanity. For fuck sake people we flock to her snatch like everyone did to Jennifer Anniston’s hair style in the late 90’s.

“Gee, wonder what her puss is gonna look like this week”
“Oh did you see it, it has layers and highlights!”

I mean the thing looks like she has been feeding it fried chicken and moonpies!

Imagine a society of women sporting the “Spears”. ~ shiver ~

My Job: A Rant

*Reprint of a blog entry I had on a well known social site.

In my line of work a person runs into a lot of stupid people. Most of the time a person that calls for tech support can’t help that they are stupid for one of two reason:

1. They are older. Their generation missed the internet bandwagon.
or
2. They are at, and have been at, a financial disadvantage for most of their life.

The above two types are the usual suspects. New PC purchasers trying to figure out this whole “internets” thing.

Today I get a call from someone that could not have been much older or younger than me. One of the reasons I can guess her age to be between 20 and maybe 35 is the tone of her voice and the slang she uses. The other reason I will get to in a second. It is the reason why I am venting here. Stay with me.

It was obvious by the way she spoke that she was a some what intelligent person who had at least some experience with computers. She was having a virus and spyware problem. Again, that is a typical subject.

Now close your eyes.

Ok, don’t do that you can’t read the rest of this.

Picture that you are talking to someone you just met. Maybe at a business meeting. A coffee house. Hell, Books-a-million. Someplace that is typically free of background noise. They ask you about a part of your job, how you like your coffee, or what is your favorite author and why. Conversation goes pretty smoothly, right?

Now, imagine having to answer that same question over the phone with EMINEM (reason 2 ) BLARING IN THE BACKGROUND AT DECIBEL LEVELS MORE SUITED FOR AN OUTDOOR CONCERT. To top it off, thier brother is interrupting every 30 seconds for highly philosophical questions such as: “Where is the beer?” and “Hey, did I leave my lighter in your car?”

At the moment, I am on edge and believe all Phone users, Beer drinkers, and smokers are going to hell. And Eminem too.

I need a drink.